How...?

So today I got that feeling again...of pursuing something and then it's taken away. I did feel sad, but I'm tired of feeling this way. My situation is not good if I think about the things I most wanted...my goals, aspirations, my dreams. I feel really frustrated. But I'm trying to overcome this somehow...

I realized that much of my pain is self-inflicted...but then, how can I have goals, dreams and aspirations...and not get somehow attached to them? How can I not feel frustrated when I fail? Should I keep trying or just give up? Let me rephrase, how can I have objectives in a healthier way? I have done that before, but I wasn't rushing...sometimes it is difficult to know how fast you have to go, because there is no rule of thumb. You have to go out there and try it by yourself, and you may end up falling down if you go about wrecklessly.

If it is something you have never tried before, of course it will be messy...but if it's something that you have been putting a lot of effort and attention into, frustration is almost inevitable. I have to try and find a healthier way to connect to these goals, dreams and aspirations of mine with which I have been dealing for a while.

Pursuing goals is ultimately a matter of patience. It is taking failures with a grain of salt, but celebrating intensively every victory. I need to learn to do that and overcome frustation, cultivating a healthier mindset...I guess by doing that, at least my emotional/psychological side will be better. And that probably influences my physical aspect and my self-steem too. I think it's worth a try.

I just feel a little tired of feeling frustrated. There is more in life than that. It's just that this year, in particular, has been harsh, problem after problem. I hope in the future I will be able to learn good things and look back at these years with joy. Because right now, this is not how I feel.

I had been in a good moment of expansion a few months ago, but today I feel like shutting myself off from the world. I have done that before in many ways...but I think it ends up not helping me to improve much. It's just that, when I got out of my shell and tried to improve, I failed in many ways, and while I think that in other ways I have been successful, the feeling of failure persists more.

But I have spent far too much time feeling like a failure. I need to learn a new way to live. Simpler, healthier, without overthinking too much, more present in the moment. I need to let go of all that frustration of the past and become a new, lighter version of me. I think I know a few things I can do to help that, but I'm still learning how.

For a starter, I think I'll try to include meditation in my routine. Tomorrow morning, when I wake up, I will try it...I need to let all that shit go.

I realized

I don't want to shine.
I don't need to do a lot of fucking awesome shit that makes me stand out from everyone. No. Because
just being myself feels like a challenge enough already. I don't need anymore challenges.

I have done a few things many consider victorious and glorious. But I am not sure if that actually helped me become more self-confident or love myself more.

All I asked was to just live normally. But apparently life has other plans for me. Whenever I get happy or something seems to be working fine - there - let's take it away from him! Ok, so I try to adjust and go with the flow...it just doesn't change anything. Wether I decide to try to adjust myself (try to 'live normally') or just be authentic (try to 'embrace my crazyness'), life seems to have a way of taking things away from me.

I feel tired of having to deal with all this stuff all the time. I am hurt and feel unsafe.

Perhaps I realized this is important for me...stability. Just sort of knowing what to expect.
Yes, I know it seems we have to learn how to improvise in life and so I try to cultivate a healthy mindset when it comes to that. But that's not where my heart is.

I just missed a great professional chance now. I, like many others, I have no idea what to expect in the near future. But the problem with being myself is feeling vulnerable, and having this feeling relating to many things in my life.

How could I ignore or pretend I wasn't this insecure for such a long time? Why do I feel like shit now that I realize how frail I am? Self-discovery is supposed to bring us wisdom, but I don't know where this journey is taking me.

I can't feel safe inside myself. So I need to feel safe in my environment. What sort of risks will I have to face in order to change this feeling? Will it ever be different? Will I ever be able to be a completely different person? I cannot really cope with who I am right now.

It hasn't really been fun being myself. Others have just no idea. Guess I'd better just go to sleep today...tomorrow is another day. I wish, but I seriously don't think it will bring me anything new. I already tried and, on average, things tend to just get stuck...sooner or later.

Fuck all, I'm tired

Aftermath

So we did speak...and it was good.

I said what I had to and you listened...you were not distressed. You supported me and empathized with my feelings, though of course, not crossing some borders.

I can say I am officially forgetting you. But today, while looking for something else, I found something which reminded me of you. I had kept that on purpose, because of the intense memories it brought me. It was a bottle of perfume, which I was wearing when I went to see you that time when we sat on the benches in the beautiful external hall of your apartment building. You liked that perfume and you also said I was wearing too much hair gel, that my hair was nice anyway and I didn't have to wear it.

Today I opened that perfume bottle and felt its sweet fragrance, and a world of feelings rose to my consciousness from some deep unknown abyss they were resting. I still remember everything. I felt sad and frustrated and dropped a few tears instantly. Of course I felt again the need to be in that place with you, and these feelings clashed with the reality.

It's been three months I haven't come back to this place...it is a good sign, but still...I didn't expect to be here again. I realized I have been unhappy with the way I deal with certain things in my life, and I want to change myself.

Today is not a happy day.

I hurt myself today
To see if I still feel
I focus on the pain
The only thing that's real
The needle tears a hole
The old familiar sting
Try to kill it all away
But I remember everything

What have I become?
My sweetest friend
Everyone I know
Goes away in the end
You could have it all
My empire of dirt
I will let you down
I will make you hurt

I wear this crown of shit
Upon my liar's chair
Full of broken thoughts
I cannot repair
Beneath the stains of time
The feelings disappear
You are someone else
I am still right here

What have I become?
My sweetest friend
Everyone I know
Goes away in the end

You could have it all
My empire of dirt
I will let you down
I will make you hurt
If I could start again
A million miles away
I would keep myself
I would find a way

thinking things over

Perhaps I still need to communicate to you. I have a need for my feelings of love to be recongnized. I have been trying to convince myself that it's crazy, that it makes no sense to do it. But still...we don't always have to make sense. We are human, after all.

I know I may cause you discomfort, that it will probably be useless to you and I know it might not be 'fair' and bring some emotional instability in your life, but it will just as likely be temporary. Perhaps on that specific day after the conversation with me, you will get to go back home and feel emotional or thoughtful, maybe even a bit shaken. But the next day it'll be gone. You'll still live your life the way you have been living it for the past few years and everything will go back to normal. Or maybe I am overconsidering the conversation. Maybe you won't even feel a thing.

But for me, on the other hand...it is the kind of issue that, on my deathbed, I'll look back and know that I had to say it. Yes, it probably makes no sense, it will change nothing in a concrete way, and it may even be sort of egoistical. But I think once I say it all, I'll probably get this off my chest and ...I don't know what will happen next. I think it's supposed to represent the ending of a circle. Or it might be a verbal and assertive confirmation that my heart needs in order to forget you. Because in my mind, I know it: we don't speak as long as I look for you, so clearly you have no interest in keeping in touch with me. But for some reason I might not be able to discern, *I need to say it to you*.

See...before meeting you again, I had just got out of a relationship in which there wasn't much of an emotional involvement from my part and I had just put in my head that I would never fall in love with anyone, that I didn't have it in me. But when I remembered you...I remembered how special it was in the past, and how it was incredible that you just reappeared in my life, I mean, you were in fucking USP, after all those years. Exactly when I started playing FFVIII again. Everything matched perfectly and it all made so much sense that it felf fucking awesome.

We have a tendency to see meaning in things, and so I soon found out that I loved you. Actually, that I *still* loved you, even though I had unconsciously supressed it for more than ten years, having a couple of relationships and being with many other girls I had already forgotten of. Well, at first, this refound love for you was a wonderful feeling. It is wonderful to fall in love, and even more so when you think that it would never happen to you. I mean, I have been emotionally involved before, but nothing like it was with you. But the problem is that this awe soon turned into a need to be with you, and to a realization that my feelings were so disconnected from reality that it hurted.

And it still hurts. And if it still hurts, I think that voicing this to you may be an effective way to make it go. Today I decided to do it and I don't care if everyone disappoves of it. There are certain things we *have* to do for ourselves. I have the right to meet my need for expressing my love, even if I know that I won't be loved back, but all I need is that my feelings of live are recognized as true and deep. Because I may never feel this way for anyone...and life is short. Short, and full of surprises, some of them awful.

So I hope you'll understand that I am doing this for myself. I have come a long way to make this decision. And you...you'll be ok the next day after I say it, but if I don't...I may risk a lifetime of regret.

See you soon...

Silent Garden

There is no dream, no promise, no field of flowers.
Just a Silent Garden

In the garden, full of silence
I count the seasons, I count the years
The last pain on Earth
The memories of you

This is my own silent garden
This is my own silent garden
This is my own silent garden
Just leave me alone.

This is the first pleasant morning
After the innocence lost
I wash my skin with your tears
I don't care if you cry

This is my own silent garden
This is my own silent garden
This is my own silent garden
Just leave me alone.

...
Just leave me alone.

Someday, someone...

I wish I coudn't relate to this

But I'm still lost somewhere between 'no longer' and 'not yet'.

Alone

Don't get me wrong. Being alone is not so bad. There's much freedom and a billion opportunities to be explored. At least theoretically. But being alone is different from being lonely.

But on the real world, things can get tough sometimes. I just felt a ghost of loneliness surge through some issues at work. And of course, I related that back to you as well. I mean, after all, it is also a contact I wish I had but don't get. I know it has nothing to do with you in rational terms.

But I'm not thinking rationally right now. There are times when things get tangled up inside our heads. Or our hearts. Or maybe our heads and hearts are tangled up. Whatever. All I know is that I remembered of you because I felt this need to be accepted. At work, I do depend on other people to get things through. Well, who doesn't? Anyway I seem to be doing something wrong there, just as I feel like I did something wrong with you, because I keep trying to connect, but I just can't.

Things seem to be flowing so well with everybody else. I know it is childish and insecure to say and feel this kind of stuff. I know we should not compare ourselves with other people because we never know their trajectories. I have my own path too. I suppose I am relatively independent and self-reliable. But I just wanted to feel like I matter more sometimes.

I do have wonderful family and friends without whom I would be nothing. But life, for some reason, seems to have a way of keeping me out of touch with things I deem most important. And that is frustrating. It makes me feel like I should stop trying, and just hide inside myself, cause that's what I'll ever have for sure.

I feel like losing you was enough for feeling alone in this lifetime. I am still grieving. At work, I tend to have a brighter perspective (not sure why, but I do), but I am facing such difficulties related to connection too.

Yeap, like Squall says, someday we're bound to lose everything. Everybody around us will be gone. At the end of the day, all we have is ourself.

Well, somedays I can shine from the inside and see things brightly. But today is not one of those days. Today, I didn't want to grief for you. I didn't want to feel insecure and disconnected from important things in my life. I wanted to feel like I belong, like I matter. Well, if I had you, I could talk to you about these things that bother me at work. But I can only write now, and talk to myself. Perhaps it's for the best if I just stop now...tomorrow is a new day.

That's a secret between youn and me. Got that?

I just wanted so much to go back to the past.
I wanted to be with you again and feel the way I felt back then.
You're way too special, but I never realized it.
All this time, these feelings kept sleeping deep within...I was not aware.
But after I met you again...it all woke up. But there's nothing for me here now.
Only a dream.
Like Squall carrying Rinoa to Ellone, who can send people through time...I wanted to go back.
I wish there was some kind of FH Bridge out there, somewhere...just waiting to be discovered and be walked through. I would take you with me for a thousand miles and not get tired of your voice, and the way you tilt your head slightly when you smile and squinch your eyes.
I had never felt with any other, the way I felt with you.
I...sure have changed.
But this is only a dream. I can't go on like this.

Just us, you find out

Nevava muito à noite. Andando pela pequena cidade, ouvia essa música e lembrava de você.

(And if I may just take your breath away, 

I don't mind if there's not much to say

Sometimes the silence guides our minds

And moves us to a place so far away).

Voltando ao hotel, fui dormir. Sonhei que estávamos juntos. Acordo feliz, coração aquecido. 

Mas instantes depois, quando me dou conta de que era apenas um sonho,

a breve felicidade dá lugar à triste percepção da realidade...de que isso jamais irá acontecer.

(Inside this place is warm, outside starts to pour).

E então parece que minha vida faz mais sentido aqui, nesse sonho...

como se aqui fosse o mundo real, e lá fora, um sonho triste, com um mundo vazio,

 do qual não vou sair.

Eu ficaria simplesmente deitado na cama, buscando sonhar esse sonho.

Mas a vida lá fora me espera...me levanto, pego minhas coisas e saio do hotel.

Óculos escuros pra esconder minha feição, porque sou péssimo em disfarçar.

Um peso no coração que eu nunca tinha sentido antes, 

encontro as pessoas do curso e cumprimento brevemente.

Pego o ônibus, sento no fundo e olho pela janela.

Faz um sol de plástico, e o chão está coberto de neve.

Pilhas se acumulam nos canteiros centrais e nos bancos vazios

Me identifico com essa paisagem melancólica, mas luto para me manter no presente.

(Head in the clouds but my gravity centered...)

Afinal, estou em um evento importante, em outro país, a trabalho.

Vou conseguindo esquecer um pouco, devagar...e vai ficando mais fácil disfarçar.

Mas toda vez que te vejo, é assim...difícil pra caramba esconder...

Nostalgia

Lembro de nós na avenida paulista. Uma tarde amena de verão em janeiro de 2000, sol com uma brisa que soprava de leve. Passeamos e sentamos naqueles bancos que ficavam naquele vão dos bancos, entre arranha-céus.

Lembro de estar deitado no banco com a cabeça em seu colo, olhando para os seus olhos doces...via o céu azul além de você, emoldurado pelos arranhas céus. Pensei que tudo estava tão perfeito, ressonava tão forte em meu coração, que o tempo poderia parar.

Cause sooner or later it's over

And I'd give up forever to touch you

Cause I know that you feel me somehow

You're the closest to heaven that I'll ever be

And I don't want to go home right now




And all I can taste is this moment

And all I can breathe is your life

Cause sooner or later it's over

I just don't want to miss you tonight




And I don't want the world to see me

Cause I don't think that they'd understand

When everything's made to be broken

I just want you to know who I am




And you can't fight the tears that ain't coming

Or the moment of truth in your lies

When everything feels like the movies

Yeah you bleed just to know you're alive




And I don't want the world to see me

Cause I don't think that they'd understand

When everything's made to be broken

I just want you to know who I am




(break and solo)




And I don't want the world to see me

'Cause I don't think that they'd understand

When everything's made to be broken

I just want you to know who I am




And I don't want the world to see me

'Cause I don't think that they'd understand

When everything's made to be broken

I just want you to know who I am




I just want you to know who I am

I just want you to know who I am

I just want you to know who I am

About yesterday

About today