I realized

I don't want to shine.
I don't need to do a lot of fucking awesome shit that makes me stand out from everyone. No. Because
just being myself feels like a challenge enough already. I don't need anymore challenges.

I have done a few things many consider victorious and glorious. But I am not sure if that actually helped me become more self-confident or love myself more.

All I asked was to just live normally. But apparently life has other plans for me. Whenever I get happy or something seems to be working fine - there - let's take it away from him! Ok, so I try to adjust and go with the flow...it just doesn't change anything. Wether I decide to try to adjust myself (try to 'live normally') or just be authentic (try to 'embrace my crazyness'), life seems to have a way of taking things away from me.

I feel tired of having to deal with all this stuff all the time. I am hurt and feel unsafe.

Perhaps I realized this is important for me...stability. Just sort of knowing what to expect.
Yes, I know it seems we have to learn how to improvise in life and so I try to cultivate a healthy mindset when it comes to that. But that's not where my heart is.

I just missed a great professional chance now. I, like many others, I have no idea what to expect in the near future. But the problem with being myself is feeling vulnerable, and having this feeling relating to many things in my life.

How could I ignore or pretend I wasn't this insecure for such a long time? Why do I feel like shit now that I realize how frail I am? Self-discovery is supposed to bring us wisdom, but I don't know where this journey is taking me.

I can't feel safe inside myself. So I need to feel safe in my environment. What sort of risks will I have to face in order to change this feeling? Will it ever be different? Will I ever be able to be a completely different person? I cannot really cope with who I am right now.

It hasn't really been fun being myself. Others have just no idea. Guess I'd better just go to sleep today...tomorrow is another day. I wish, but I seriously don't think it will bring me anything new. I already tried and, on average, things tend to just get stuck...sooner or later.