thinking things over

Perhaps I still need to communicate to you. I have a need for my feelings of love to be recongnized. I have been trying to convince myself that it's crazy, that it makes no sense to do it. But still...we don't always have to make sense. We are human, after all.

I know I may cause you discomfort, that it will probably be useless to you and I know it might not be 'fair' and bring some emotional instability in your life, but it will just as likely be temporary. Perhaps on that specific day after the conversation with me, you will get to go back home and feel emotional or thoughtful, maybe even a bit shaken. But the next day it'll be gone. You'll still live your life the way you have been living it for the past few years and everything will go back to normal. Or maybe I am overconsidering the conversation. Maybe you won't even feel a thing.

But for me, on the other hand...it is the kind of issue that, on my deathbed, I'll look back and know that I had to say it. Yes, it probably makes no sense, it will change nothing in a concrete way, and it may even be sort of egoistical. But I think once I say it all, I'll probably get this off my chest and ...I don't know what will happen next. I think it's supposed to represent the ending of a circle. Or it might be a verbal and assertive confirmation that my heart needs in order to forget you. Because in my mind, I know it: we don't speak as long as I look for you, so clearly you have no interest in keeping in touch with me. But for some reason I might not be able to discern, *I need to say it to you*.

See...before meeting you again, I had just got out of a relationship in which there wasn't much of an emotional involvement from my part and I had just put in my head that I would never fall in love with anyone, that I didn't have it in me. But when I remembered you...I remembered how special it was in the past, and how it was incredible that you just reappeared in my life, I mean, you were in fucking USP, after all those years. Exactly when I started playing FFVIII again. Everything matched perfectly and it all made so much sense that it felf fucking awesome.

We have a tendency to see meaning in things, and so I soon found out that I loved you. Actually, that I *still* loved you, even though I had unconsciously supressed it for more than ten years, having a couple of relationships and being with many other girls I had already forgotten of. Well, at first, this refound love for you was a wonderful feeling. It is wonderful to fall in love, and even more so when you think that it would never happen to you. I mean, I have been emotionally involved before, but nothing like it was with you. But the problem is that this awe soon turned into a need to be with you, and to a realization that my feelings were so disconnected from reality that it hurted.

And it still hurts. And if it still hurts, I think that voicing this to you may be an effective way to make it go. Today I decided to do it and I don't care if everyone disappoves of it. There are certain things we *have* to do for ourselves. I have the right to meet my need for expressing my love, even if I know that I won't be loved back, but all I need is that my feelings of live are recognized as true and deep. Because I may never feel this way for anyone...and life is short. Short, and full of surprises, some of them awful.

So I hope you'll understand that I am doing this for myself. I have come a long way to make this decision. And you...you'll be ok the next day after I say it, but if I don't...I may risk a lifetime of regret.

See you soon...