Alone

Don't get me wrong. Being alone is not so bad. There's much freedom and a billion opportunities to be explored. At least theoretically. But being alone is different from being lonely.

But on the real world, things can get tough sometimes. I just felt a ghost of loneliness surge through some issues at work. And of course, I related that back to you as well. I mean, after all, it is also a contact I wish I had but don't get. I know it has nothing to do with you in rational terms.

But I'm not thinking rationally right now. There are times when things get tangled up inside our heads. Or our hearts. Or maybe our heads and hearts are tangled up. Whatever. All I know is that I remembered of you because I felt this need to be accepted. At work, I do depend on other people to get things through. Well, who doesn't? Anyway I seem to be doing something wrong there, just as I feel like I did something wrong with you, because I keep trying to connect, but I just can't.

Things seem to be flowing so well with everybody else. I know it is childish and insecure to say and feel this kind of stuff. I know we should not compare ourselves with other people because we never know their trajectories. I have my own path too. I suppose I am relatively independent and self-reliable. But I just wanted to feel like I matter more sometimes.

I do have wonderful family and friends without whom I would be nothing. But life, for some reason, seems to have a way of keeping me out of touch with things I deem most important. And that is frustrating. It makes me feel like I should stop trying, and just hide inside myself, cause that's what I'll ever have for sure.

I feel like losing you was enough for feeling alone in this lifetime. I am still grieving. At work, I tend to have a brighter perspective (not sure why, but I do), but I am facing such difficulties related to connection too.

Yeap, like Squall says, someday we're bound to lose everything. Everybody around us will be gone. At the end of the day, all we have is ourself.

Well, somedays I can shine from the inside and see things brightly. But today is not one of those days. Today, I didn't want to grief for you. I didn't want to feel insecure and disconnected from important things in my life. I wanted to feel like I belong, like I matter. Well, if I had you, I could talk to you about these things that bother me at work. But I can only write now, and talk to myself. Perhaps it's for the best if I just stop now...tomorrow is a new day.