Day by Day

Time and time again I think I’m falling through space and I wakeup in my bed just sweating in sheets

Remembering my name but it don’t sound the same 

Daylight come and save me from the 2am creeps

And I think of you growing old and it breaks my heart

And I think of you growing old and it breaks my heart

Hold me up again or I can count on the wall

Just a temporary panic that I can’t seem to beat

Stranger in the mirror his smile makes me shiver

He wears my features and grinds my teeth

And I think of you growing old and it breaks my heart

And I think of you growing old

Darkness it comes and puts me in place

I’m a prisoner babe you know I can’t escape

Take all you want take all you can take

But the shadow of age is every step of the way

And it’s day by day it’s all I can take of it

And it’s day by day its all I can chase

Time and time again I think I’ve pulled it together but something’s so familiar that’s unraveling me

I’ll forget my name every evenings the same

Frozen on my back just praying for sleep

And I think of you growing old and it breaks my heart

And I think of you growing old and it breaks my heart

And I think of you as the night grows cold and it breaks my heart

And I think of you growing old

At 40

So much stuff, so little time... I guess this is what it's like growing old. Life goes by too far, and you haven't done half the stuff you wanted to.

One good thing I can take from this, is that I am deep in love with life. On the other hand, the end is coming sooner than we expect.

While I am happy about some things in life at the moment, I am also afraid.

I am afraid my mom won't make it too far, her health has been dwindling down rapidly in the past few years.

I am afraid I will feel like a failure in my profession, after so much hard work. I just need to setlle down, and I will be jumping on the first opportunity I get. I had seen these feelings from afar inside of me, but I hadn't really FELT them until today, when it all came crashing down.

I am tired of it all. Of trying. I don't care what will happen next, I just need some peace. I just wish people would stop stimulating me, it's so frustrating because people say I should keep trying and that I am good enough. I may be good enough to be on the spotlight, but not good enough to have found my own place. And it hurts so bad to feel ignored, despised and rejected. Fuck you, academia and universities. I hope I find a better life outside of you. I'm done.

How could you tell me that I'm great
When they chewed me up, spit me out, pissed on me?
Why would you tell me that it's fate
When they laughed at me, every day, in my face?

In the deepest depths I lost myself

I wish I could sleep normally. My heart is a wreck, and my mind is following. And now I am starting to worry about my body again.

How many uncertainties can a person endure...? If it was just one, I could draw some strenghts, but did they have to come in packs and beat you up so bad? I wouldn't mind as much my own stuff, I am kinda tired of my own bullshit actually, but I can't stand the uncertainties related to the people I love. 

I wish I could just cry it all away. I need to build a safe place inside myself.

Exhausted to write more.

Swallowed by a vicious, vengeful sea
Darker days are raining over me
In the deepest depths I lost myself
I see myself through someone else

Broken

Ambivalent feelings fill me this night.

It is Valentine's Day and everyone was so eager to show how much love they receive.

I wanted to remember how it is like to feel loved and desired again.

I looked thoughr my old e-mails and read a bunch of old communications with my ex-girlfriends. Things that happened many, many years ago. I was a different person back then. I am not much sure I am happy about the way things turned out for me. I feel bitter and disconnected and somehow I just feel like I will never be able to connect to someone again.

Of course, there was this girl last year, but it sort of encountered this barrier. It was nice to finally feel something for someone, at that time I thought maybe I could fall in love again. But right now, I'm not sure. Ever since the Ebreak up from ten years ago, it somehow feels like I haven't been able to connect to anyone - except to Dri. But then again, there's nothing for me there so I'd better just forget about her and the only time I truly loved someone.

I have had to go through so much grief in such a short time. My soul feels old.

I wish I was able to connect more. Or I wish I was able to not connect at all. The problem is, the kind of connection I want is difficult to find and in the meantime, in the many attempts to getting to know someone, we end up getting hurt.

I wish I was different, like, being able to be with someone fully, just enjoying the pleasure but without being emotionally involved. But it seems my emotional side is not strong enough to deal with my physical desires. I hate this imbalance inside myself and I don't know what to do with that.

I don't really know what to expect for the future. I am sad tonight. Not because it's Valentine's Day and everyone seems to be happy except me, but rather because the kind of connections you see people with, made me feel depressed. I wanted that again but I just don't see it happening. It's like I have become dead inside, or that these difficulties have found me again. I just wanted to feel loved and desired again, but of course - within reason. I was able to get love and desire recently but they came along with a ton of other complicated stuff.

I know it's always like that, so I wonder why I suffer. Why do I feel this deep need for desire and affection if I know I won't be able to take it, if I suffer fom the relationships because I get too involved. I didn't want to need anything, or anyone...

I am an affectionate guy. I wish I could be more like that with my friends. Of course it's not the same, but well, it's something you know. It's just...I never thought I would feel this lonely again. At least things are going well in my professional life - even though the money has not come yet... but I wish there was more to life than this.

During those years, I used to be so much stronger. So much sure of myself, so much more open to the world and to people. It seemed like a long period but actually, if I get down to the figures, it adds up to about six years only, between 20-26 and of course, mixed with insecurities along the way. But the Ebreak up...it made me broken. I feel broken. It's like my natural state, because that's pretty much how I felt before all that, and that's how I am feeling, basically, ever since it happened.

I've had a few great moments after that too concerning this issues, but they came from a place from the past, before the Ebreak up. From a relationship which was perfect in its own way, and I had no idea. I try not to blame myself for ending that one too, the Abreak up, but I feel like I did the right thing at the time. It would be great to be with her now, but I don't know if we would have lasted. I just assumed I would find someone with whom I would connect again in this way after the Abreak up, but I haven't. I just feel like I won't.

I never thought I would feel this lonely again.

Dark places

I am in a dark place.

Sometimes we just feel stuck. Like there's nothing out there for us. Like we have no place in the world. Like no one cares and that everything we try to accomplish eventually fails.

That all our relationships, be it friends or romantic partners, end up a mess or with someone hurt. Sometimes it just doesn't happen because people don't really show interest or sometimes I have to step away in order to avoid hurting myself.

That we try our best at work, under very difficult circumstances, you even achieve something but it doesn't matter. It's never enough. There's always someone better to be chosen and more fit for the position than you.

People do seem to like you and recognize your POTENTIAL, though. "You are such a nice guy" "You work so hard" - they encourage you, and so, you get hyped up. You do feel that you have all these potentials that could be developed in these areas. But it's not enough because as much as people talk, nothing really happens - a string of bad luck, a tragic event, or bad timing, or the problems the country is facing...in all spheres micro or macro, the circumstances are never on your side.

You know, it's really hard to be happy with ourselves this way. It's hard not to feel pathethic or that you don't really matter. Because then, on top of all that, your old issues ressurge. Things you thought you had left behind rise to weight over you again. So in these many layers of disappointment, your emotional side is crumbled and so you start to unwillingly take it out on your body.

So you feel even worse, and it brings another emotional down, which triggers more physical somatization, and it goes on and on, like an evil labyrinth of anxiety, pain and depression...and each step further you feel more lost. Like you have no good choices, only to stay stuck or get worse.

I'm trying. I'm really trying. I am trying to learn how to live in the moment and that. Trying to understand why I am feeling this way. Maybe nothing makes any sense really, so why bother. It's really hard. Some days I get stuck here and I can't get out. Well, it's one of those cold dark nights again. I guess I should just go to bed.

You took my heart, deceived me right from the start

So today this song happened to pop right in front of me.

 I remember you called yourself "avengerangel".

 And Rinoa had her "angel wing"...DAMN!

 You know what? IT'S FUCKING TRUE.

  You took my heart, deceived me right from the start.

You showed me dreams, I wished they'd turn into real.

You broke a promise and made me realize.

It was all just a lie.

 Well, I guess if I can't love you, then I will hate you.

 This is the last time have loved you

 This is the first time I ever hate you.

 Goodbye.

###########################################################

  Sparkling angel I believe

You were my savior in my time of need.

Blinded by faith I couldn't hear

All the whispers, the warnings so clear.

I see the angels,

I'll lead them to your door.

There's no escape now,

No mercy no more.

No remorse cause I still remember

 The smile when you tore me apart.

You took my heart,

Deceived me right from the start.

You showed me dreams,

I wished they'd turn into real.

You broke a promise and made me realize.

It was all just a lie.

 Sparkling angel, I couldn't see

Your dark intentions, your feelings for me.

Fallen angel, tell me why?

What is the reason, the thorn in your eye?

I see the angels,

I'll lead them to your door

There's no escape now

No mercy no more

No remorse cause I still remember

 The smile when you tore me apart

You took my heart,

Deceived me right from the start.

You showed me dreams,

I wished they'd turn into real.

You broke a promise and made me realize.

It was all just a lie.

Could have been forever.

Now we have reached the end.

 This world may have failed you,

It doesn't give you reason why.

You could have chosen a different path in life.

 The smile when you tore me apart.

You took my heart,

Deceived me right from the start.

You showed me dreams,

I wished they'd turn into real.

You broke a promise and made me realize.

It was all just a lie.

Could have been forever.

Now we have reached the end.

At the end of the day...

It's been a long time...read a few things here and now, trying to pick up from where I left off.
But it's difficult...a lot has changed since then.
What I can say is that those concerns of mine, about being myself and enjoying life have been pretty much dealt with.
I wouldn't say I'm completely changed now, but I can surely say I'm a more mature, clear-minded, self-attuned, self-loving person nowadays. It is something I had been struggling with since my teen years...and through time, conversation, good energies, good experiences, some thinking, some letting go and a lot of letting flow, I learned to love and value myself more. I think that this is one of the most important lessons I have ever learned in my entire life.
Not that I am a 100% self-steem monster, but then, who is like that and what is that good for, anyway? I've reached a decent level of self-steem and that is what matters now.
Right now, I have other concerns. They are somewhat connected to these issues, but in another level.
But I guess I won't be talking about them tonight, I'll leave them for some other time. This is going to be a different post, because I'm going to focus on the positive. Because, well, there's a lot of it, really.

In my life, I have always been provided for my basic needs - shelter and food have never been a problem. I have been in decent health and known security.
I have been able to connect with people in a variety of levels and ways. I have a lot of good true friends and some romatic/sex partners. I have known connection and pleasure.
I have been able to reach physical-oriented goals, such as running 15 km races and performing well in Kung Fu championships. I have known active self-realization,
I have been able to practice selflessness and to care for people. I have fallen in love and I've been loved. I have known love.
I have been able to communicate well and express myself in creative ways, such as RPG and music. I sang with my band at a wedding. I have known self-expression.
I have been able to develop my mental capacities. I published a book and wrote a thesis on environmental science. I have known clarity of thought.
I have been able to experience my spiritual life. I have gathered strenght from the spiritual planes and travelled outside the body. I have known my higher consciousness.

So, as much as I have faced difficulties, at the end of the day, I can have a thankful mindset, instead of a resentful one. I realized that if I was to die today, I would look back in my life and not only be free of regrets; I'd be proud of my path, my choices, my deeds, myself.

Life struggles come and go, it's nearly impossible to live free of them, each time in our lives there are different ones. On the other hand, our self-improvements, our achievements, our better selves - those will always be around to help us face whatever difficulties come our way. Each time we overcome a situation, we acquire new strenghts and abilities, and they become part of our whole self. I will trust my own ability to overcome situations, my capacity of maturing and self-developing.

Sometimes when we're deep down in the eye of the hurricane, we're unable to see this. But with a single sidestep, we can look at things from a different, fresh, lighter perspective. By writing this, I just realized that my current issues are no more than that - temporary problems which I will learn how to deal with. But the skills and improvements that will come along when overcoming them will be part of me from now on, making me foverer stronger, wiser, more beautiful, self-assured and self-loving.

It feels good being myself tonight, and I'll probably be able feel this way from now on...<3