It is Valentine's Day and everyone was so eager to show how much love they receive.
I wanted to remember how it is like to feel loved and desired again.
I looked thoughr my old e-mails and read a bunch of old communications with my ex-girlfriends. Things that happened many, many years ago. I was a different person back then. I am not much sure I am happy about the way things turned out for me. I feel bitter and disconnected and somehow I just feel like I will never be able to connect to someone again.
Of course, there was this girl last year, but it sort of encountered this barrier. It was nice to finally feel something for someone, at that time I thought maybe I could fall in love again. But right now, I'm not sure. Ever since the Ebreak up from ten years ago, it somehow feels like I haven't been able to connect to anyone - except to Dri. But then again, there's nothing for me there so I'd better just forget about her and the only time I truly loved someone.
I have had to go through so much grief in such a short time. My soul feels old.
I wish I was able to connect more. Or I wish I was able to not connect at all. The problem is, the kind of connection I want is difficult to find and in the meantime, in the many attempts to getting to know someone, we end up getting hurt.
I wish I was different, like, being able to be with someone fully, just enjoying the pleasure but without being emotionally involved. But it seems my emotional side is not strong enough to deal with my physical desires. I hate this imbalance inside myself and I don't know what to do with that.
I don't really know what to expect for the future. I am sad tonight. Not because it's Valentine's Day and everyone seems to be happy except me, but rather because the kind of connections you see people with, made me feel depressed. I wanted that again but I just don't see it happening. It's like I have become dead inside, or that these difficulties have found me again. I just wanted to feel loved and desired again, but of course - within reason. I was able to get love and desire recently but they came along with a ton of other complicated stuff.
I know it's always like that, so I wonder why I suffer. Why do I feel this deep need for desire and affection if I know I won't be able to take it, if I suffer fom the relationships because I get too involved. I didn't want to need anything, or anyone...
I am an affectionate guy. I wish I could be more like that with my friends. Of course it's not the same, but well, it's something you know. It's just...I never thought I would feel this lonely again. At least things are going well in my professional life - even though the money has not come yet... but I wish there was more to life than this.
During those years, I used to be so much stronger. So much sure of myself, so much more open to the world and to people. It seemed like a long period but actually, if I get down to the figures, it adds up to about six years only, between 20-26 and of course, mixed with insecurities along the way. But the Ebreak up...it made me broken. I feel broken. It's like my natural state, because that's pretty much how I felt before all that, and that's how I am feeling, basically, ever since it happened.
I've had a few great moments after that too concerning this issues, but they came from a place from the past, before the Ebreak up. From a relationship which was perfect in its own way, and I had no idea. I try not to blame myself for ending that one too, the Abreak up, but I feel like I did the right thing at the time. It would be great to be with her now, but I don't know if we would have lasted. I just assumed I would find someone with whom I would connect again in this way after the Abreak up, but I haven't. I just feel like I won't.
I never thought I would feel this lonely again.
