I am in a dark place.
Sometimes we just feel stuck. Like there's nothing out there for us. Like we have no place in the world. Like no one cares and that everything we try to accomplish eventually fails.
That all our relationships, be it friends or romantic partners, end up a mess or with someone hurt. Sometimes it just doesn't happen because people don't really show interest or sometimes I have to step away in order to avoid hurting myself.
That we try our best at work, under very difficult circumstances, you even achieve something but it doesn't matter. It's never enough. There's always someone better to be chosen and more fit for the position than you.
People do seem to like you and recognize your POTENTIAL, though. "You are such a nice guy" "You work so hard" - they encourage you, and so, you get hyped up. You do feel that you have all these potentials that could be developed in these areas. But it's not enough because as much as people talk, nothing really happens - a string of bad luck, a tragic event, or bad timing, or the problems the country is facing...in all spheres micro or macro, the circumstances are never on your side.
You know, it's really hard to be happy with ourselves this way. It's hard not to feel pathethic or that you don't really matter. Because then, on top of all that, your old issues ressurge. Things you thought you had left behind rise to weight over you again. So in these many layers of disappointment, your emotional side is crumbled and so you start to unwillingly take it out on your body.
So you feel even worse, and it brings another emotional down, which triggers more physical somatization, and it goes on and on, like an evil labyrinth of anxiety, pain and depression...and each step further you feel more lost. Like you have no good choices, only to stay stuck or get worse.
I'm trying. I'm really trying. I am trying to learn how to live in the moment and that. Trying to understand why I am feeling this way. Maybe nothing makes any sense really, so why bother. It's really hard. Some days I get stuck here and I can't get out. Well, it's one of those cold dark nights again. I guess I should just go to bed.
